Human Voting Behaviors Linked to Bee Genes

by Vidad MaGoodn and Ariel Cy Intist

BERKELEY, California (MNN) – Researchers announced today that they have found a link between bee genes and American voting behavior. This bizarre biological link could turn the modern idea of democracy on its head.

Lead researcher Dr. Linda Mackerel announced her findings at the yearly state fair/science expo. “It’s amazing. In a study spanning two decades and including over 10,000 human volunteers and 500 hives, we’ve found that the same genes that make drones are latent in human beings. Somehow we’re linked! However, in a bizarre coincidence, these genes only seem to be active during election cycles.”

The concept of mass mindlessness triggered by events is not new. It’s been blamed for everything from poodle skirts to the tech stock boom. However, a genetic link had never been proven – and certainly not a link to the lowly bee.

Dr. Mackerel further said, “Not to be too harsh, but drone bees exist only to swarm, screw and die. But in the case of human beings, when these genes become active, they swarm to the polls to vote for whatever worthless candidates seem to have the nicest hair, speeches or whatever… there’s no rational thought involved. And once these human drones have screwed our country for the next four years… do they go on to the third stage and die? No. The gene loses its grip and they go back to living their lives, unfortunately.”

Though most American voters exhibit the “drone” gene, one group did not. Mackerel expounded. “Interestingly, Libertarians do NOT seem to be affected by the drone gene. They think through the issues from a rational viewpoint, though due to their small numbers, they are always washed out on election day.”

What causes the Libertarian immunity? “Apparently the Libertarian immunity is caused by a combination of other genes that subvert the drone instinct,” said Mackerel. “However, these genes also may have some undesirable natures. For instance the “lone wolf” gene can isolate its carriers and the “objectivist” gene can lead to extreme selfishness. To a lesser amount, the “nerd” gene, the “sci-fi” gene, the “techie” gene and the “screw you collectivist bastards” gene also cause Libertarians some problems, since none of these genes ever switch off – and, though they can be beneficial, they cause social friction.”

Outside of the study, some other scientists remain skeptical of the findings. Dr. Iam Indenile of MIT was interviewed while watching the New Hampshire primary coverage.

“Come on? Bee genes and drone behaviors! Let’s talk about something real. Have you heard all the buzz about Obama? I like Obama. He’s nice. Obamabamabama!”

As for Dr. Mackerel, she simply hopes that her team will be able to further study drone genes in the hopes that one day they’ll find a cure for the two party system – and bring new intelligence in voting.