MaGoodn News Network

Obama Unleashes New Socialist Death Ray

2009-05-07T22:07:00.004-05:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN)

As market hopes rebound despite an insane budget, falling home prices, rising unemployment and the fact that Congress and the new administration are the sworn enemies of sound money, business, free trade and Capitalism, a new threat has been made by the White House.

Obama spoke to a select group of bootlickers today in a press conference inside the newly inaugurated “Peoples News Ministry.” Behind him, a tarp covered a long cylindrical object.

“Despite our efforts to, uh, destroy Capitalism, some business owners persist in making money. And some individuals are actually trading the markets with some success. Can’t they see that their efforts are all in vain? Well, uh, soon they will. Because all your wealth belongs to us.”

With a flourish, President Obama removed the tarp, unveiling what appeared to be a weapon.

“Behold the power of this fully operational Socialist Death Ray!”

As the lights dimmed he asked for a volunteer. Sylvia Sukupp of the Associated Press was the first to the stage.

The president greeted her warmly. “Madame, do you happen to have a large bill on your person?”

“Why, yes I do,” Ms. Sukupp responded as she pulled a $100 bill from her purse.

The president took the bill and crumpled it, flipped a switch on the machine, and tossed the cash into the air.

A whoosh shook the air as green light flooded the room. The bill was intersected by a beam of light and with a pop, it exploded into a rain of pennies. Reporters picked them up in wonder.

Stunned, members of the press waited for an explanation. The president didn’t wait long.

“What you have seen, ladies and gentlemen of the press, is a machine that will end greedy capitalism forever! Any questions?”

Hand shot up across the room.

“Mr. President – what happened?”

“A $100 bill was spontaneously redistributed, and, uh, split into pennies.”

“But… did it really make $100 in pennies? It seemed like a lot less than that.”

The president smiled from ear to ear. “Bingo. You’re all a little richer now, at least those of you that caught the change, but most of the wealth was still evaporated.”

Sylvia Sukupp still stood behind him. “But what about my money?” she asked.

“Ah, that’s where you were wrong. The concept of ownership. It was never yours, Sylvia. It was ours. All of ours.”

She sat down, a perplexed look on her face. The president continued.

“This new ray will be aimed squarely at the middle class. Of course, our rich insider friends will not be affected, but those who lie, uh, outside the system will be punished for their greed. And their savings will be spread across the wastelands of welfare recipients, special interest groups and foreign nations.”

He winked.

“That’s change you can believe in.”

Good Luck!

2009-04-15T11:06:00.001-05:00

Violence at Hymn-sing Fails to Cause Fatalities

2008-06-19T23:20:00.010-05:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

Elkmont, AL (MNN) - A local man went nuts last night after taking offense to the words to a popular hymn.

Unfortunately for this slow news day, the injuries to other attendees were minor and quickly dealt with during an impromptu healing service.

Before being subdued by officers of the Baptist Defense Force, the suspect stabbed five people with a tiny pew pencil while shouting "heresy" at the top of his lungs. He then proceeded to take off his clothes and jump into the air yelling "take me now, take me now! See! It's not time yet!" After he was not taken, he starting beating organist Molly Bendum on the head with his hymnbook.

After the suspect was taken away, Bendum remarked that she was, "Happy to have the attention. No one ever appreciates organists. Especially not with all these guitar-playing hippies taking over the services."

The hymn that triggered the bizarre behavior was originally written in 1921 by Dispensationalist songwriter Isaac Volts. Titled "I'll Fly Away Before I Die and It'll Definitely Happen Before a 7-Year Peace Treaty Is Signed With the Future State of Israel," it was first sung as part of a campaign to popularize the pre-tribulation Rapture theory of theologian John Nelson Darby. (The "Rapture" is considered by some Christians to be a future event in which believers are spirited away into the sky before, or during, or after a final tribulation period.)

Directly before the rampage occurred, church member Brother Wayne Glutton said the man "Muttered something about pre-wrath something-or-other. Then he proceeding to make some wrath happen!"

As of the writing of this article, the suspect's name has not been released to the public. However, town police have issued a short statement urging "anyone who has wisdom to determine the number of years he'll spend behind bars."

Prostitutes Suffer From Massive Inflation

2008-06-06T11:51:00.003-05:00

by John Atknight

(MNN) - The flood of weak dollars led to higher housing prices, then gas prices and grain prices. But now it’s hit another area of particular concern to fornicators – the prostitution industry.

Executive Konstint Wood is outraged by the higher prices.

“It used to be that you could get reasonable service for $15 or less in the Far East. Now you can barely get a smooch at a small-town kissing booth for that.”

Roxy Rubbs, a Des Moines area stripper, call-girl and mother of eight, is saddened by the trend. “Here’s the deal. I used to be able to get a cart of groceries for an hour’s roll-in-the-hay. Then it got so I couldn’t even afford fishnet stockings and cigarettes for that. I had to raise prices! My regulars have complained about it… but hey, nothing’s cheap these days.”

Harvard Sociology Professor C. Muhiney calls the new trend “Alarming.” He went on to say “My fear is that if illicit sexual activity becomes too expensive, people are going to start returning to the restrictive confines of marriage. You can’t afford the gas for a night out, and you can’t afford an escort, so you simply can’t afford a good time. If it wasn’t for the Internet, we’d really be screwed… or not, I guess.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, members of Congress are calling on leading DC Area prostitutes regularly. Yet no answers seem to be forthcoming.

Debby Dallas, another long-time prostitute, has been unable to afford her herpes medication now that inflation has made her real wages fall. “For a working girl that’s as old as me, it ain’t easy to raise prices. Especially when there are liberal college girls giving it away for free. This is a sad time for the industry.”

Dallas also expresses hope that the next president will offer subsidies and assistance to sex workers.

“This is the first time that economic conditions have hit me harder than my pimp. I just hope there comes a day when an honest night’s work can pay for pills and booze again.”

Americans Celebrate Veterans of Pointless Wars

2008-05-24T11:01:00.003-05:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – Once again, Americans are firing up their barbecues in celebration of our pervasive cultural mythology.

“We’re remembering the men and women who died to keep us free,” says Marty Williams, a typical citizen.

In reality, however, Americans haven’t fought a necessary war in almost 200 years. And what sort of a free society bans indoor smoking, requires insane building regulations, taxes away half its citizen’s wealth though taxes and inflates the currency until basic necessities are painfully expensive? Don't ask that question this Memorial Day!

In reality, over the last fifty years, all the wars fought have actually been worthless.

Professor D. Mangood explains, “When it comes to maintaining our mindless patriotism, we need to believe that people are dying for something worthwhile. If we all realized that these countless deaths and maimings are only taking place to reinforce abstract ideologies, political ambitions, or to keep the dollar afloat, people would probably revolt.”

Mangood when on to state, “Trading lives for the freedom of their homeland seems like a good idea to most Americans. But when analyzed, how did fighting in Vietnam keep us from oppression? Or beating back the Germans in WWI and WWII? Was trading Hitler for Stalin worth so many lives? And it should be obvious on its face that deposing Saddam and destabilizing Iraq while threatening Iran equals a high-point of interventionist idiocy.”

But don’t tell that to Kate Waters. She lost a son in Iraq. “He was a hero,” she says with tears in her eyes, “his death is helping keep us free.”

Realists would argue, however, he actually died to help enrich contractors and the President’s globalist buddies.

President Bush claimed in a speech today “America is safer and freer because of our veterans.”

Sadly, their deaths and sacrifices represent nothing more than a perpetuation of the elitist schemes of world improvers and meddlers.

Mangood states, “The President should be apologizing to the nation for killing its youth, not pretending that their deaths were from some great ideal. If we really want to ‘support our troops,’ we would bring them home and stop putting them in harm’s way. When we’re invaded by someone, that’s the time to fight.”

On the web: http://www.antiwar.com/reese/?articleid=5161

Most Conservatives Now Favor McCain, Big Government, Screwing America

2008-04-04T12:21:00.001-05:00

By Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – In an unsurprising turn of events, "conservatives" like columnist Janet Folger are now speaking out in favor of electing McCain.

Senator McCain, whose policies are fundamentally Stalinist, is happy to be recognized.

“I knew they’d come around. After all, I’m pro-war, even though I don’t give a s*** about the Constitution, the unborn, limited government, or the little guys being screwed over by the banking system. Hell, I LOVE screwing people over. That’s why I want to open our borders while fighting a endless war! KILL KILL KILL!!!”

Conservatives have traditionally favored pro-family causes and been supportive of small government. Now, however, no one is sure what they support. After eight years of President Bush’s massive governmental expansion and police-state ideals, conservatives only know one thing - that they’re not voting for a Democrat. All their other ideals are apparently up for grabs.

Janet Folger, who apparently used to believe in small government, is a shining example of the soulless reactionary idiocy that defines the conservative movement. Rather than standing up for a traditional small-government conservative like Ron Paul, she threw her words behind Mike Huckabee, a big-government candidate who mouthed all the right Baptist words.

Now she’s behind McCain, a terminally unhinged dictatorial fascist. Why? Because he’s not Obama or Clinton.

Blogger Vark Populus weighed in on the issue earlier today. “Honestly, Conservatives don’t stand for anything anymore. They stand AGAINST things. What needs to happen is for the movement to put the Constitution at its center and start making strides on its own. Forget being defensive – go on the offense. If they remembered why and how America was founded, they’d start gaining ground.”

Small government? States rights? Freedom of speech? Gold and silver money?

All those concepts are in the dust in the wake of the Bush fiasco. And if so-called conservatives have their way, all they’ll be conserving is the anti-freedom big government mess left by the previous administration.

Copywriter Discovers He Doesn’t Give A S*** About Consumer Response.

2008-03-17T18:33:00.003-05:00

by guest reporter K. Townes

Chicago (MNN) - In the process of self-examination and thinking about his goals for the future, local ad man and copywriter John Franks realized that he didn’t give a rat’s ass whether or not his clients sold a single product to anyone.

Franks reflects wistfully on the early days of his career,

“In those days I was really excited to be able to do something creative; to be among the chosen few whose work is seen and heard by millions and move them to act upon something by means of my creative words and ideas."

But after almost a decade in the media and advertising business, Mr. Franks admits he’s burned out.

“For the past eight years I’ve been writing high impact, vertically centered, creative ad copy for integrated solutions of broad and specific marketing campaigns, targeting various types of consumers, focusing on high yield responses in those related markets and I woke up one morning to the realization that, frankly, I don’t give a s***.”

Jack Alfa is Franks' supervisor at the P.R.I.K. Agency in Chicago. When asked about Mr. Franks' job performance and attitude toward his work, Alfa’s response was brief, “It seems like he doesn’t give a s***.”

After being emotionally and intellectually sucked dry, Franks has quit his job at the agency.

Mr. Franks’ dreams for the future consist mostly of wandering aimlessly around the city and consuming substantial amounts of queso dip.

ON THE WEB: http://mexicanfood.about.com/od/fiestaappetizers/r/quesodip.htm

Obama Heals Deaf Man, Is Still Followed By Dumb

2008-02-21T14:19:00.001-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

SEATLLE, Wash (MNN) – Obama not only leads the delegate count, he’s also leading in the miracle count. That’s if you believe the eyewitness accounts of miracles at his recent appearances.

Unlike Hillary, whose most notable miracle involved transforming a brassiere into fine ash back in the 60’s, Obama’s miracles are now happening on a daily basis

“Yes We Can” is his catchphrase. And is there anything he can’t do these days? Apparently not, now that he’s following up his rhetoric with miraculous healings and signs. While on the campaign trail in the deep south yesterday, he apparently turned water into malt liquor. The symbolism was powerful, particularly considering that the water fountain from which the water was procured still had a faded “whites only” sign hanging above it.

This morning he allegedly healed a deaf man through the power of his rhetoric. The man, 62 year old Carl Melowdly, had been deaf since falling down the stairs at a Rolling Stones concert. According to witnesses, Obama touched the man lightly on the forehead and told him to “believe.” He followed that up with fourteen paragraphs of meaningless phrases cobbled together from unnoted sources, using the words “hope, change, faith and believe” at least 60 times each.

Melowdly then started dancing and singing, yelling “I’m healed, I’m healed.”

Skeptics aren’t buying the healings, however. The most notable detractor has been former president Clinton, who called the healings “ridiculous.” He also crashed an Obama event and yelled at the Illinois senator to “turn stones into Big Macs.” When the senator ignored him, Mr. Clinton instead visited a local McDonald’s drive-through and proclaimed “now these greasy beauties are a REAL miracle!”

Outsider commentary on the Internet is now speculating on the possibility of these miracles being real, meaning that Obama genuinely is a Magic Negro.

No telling, but the senator is still surrounded and supported by plenty of sick people, many of them dumb.

And it may take a miracle for him to avoid being replaced by Hillary Clinton at the upcoming Democratic National Convention.

ON THE WEB: http://aardvarksplumbline.blogspot.com/2008/02/say-bay-bee-barack-obama-has-charisma.html

Heather Has Two Mommies, Three Daddies, A Pig's Spleen and a Baboon's Heart

2008-02-15T15:26:00.000-06:00

NPR's "New Science Now Today" takes a look at the controversial best-seller "Heather Has Two Mommies, Three Daddies, A Pig's Spleen and a Baboon's Heart."

Featuring Vidad Magoodn and KTown. Based on an idea by Bruce Bethke.

Controversial Study Proves Fatsos Sacrifice Love for Food, More Food

2008-02-04T13:21:00.000-06:00

by Les Pounds

Despite the inverse ratio existing between love and weight, fat people continue to put their next piece of cake or bag of pork rinds first – even when they know that losing weight will make others like them.

That’s the conclusion reached by researchers in a new study sponsored by the Institute for Obesity Research in Chicago. Lead researcher Dr. Vera Narrow released the findings in this quarter’s issue of the Journal of Scientific Density.

Narrow writes, “Less fat equals more love. More fat equals less love. That’s what most people secretly believe, and over the past ten years, we’ve been able to prove that in this case, common sense has been proven correct. No one’s gonna love you, fat girls and boys… no matter what Oprah says.”

Fat people, who often report that they “feel as if they’re unattractive to the opposite sex,” are right to feel that way, according to Dr. Narrow’s research. “’Baby got back’ is only okay to a point. When your thighs resemble two cauliflowers locked in a death match, you’re not gonna get any love.”

However, not everyone is convinced that the IOR’s research is accurate.

Tip DeScales of the advocacy group “Large Bodies, Large Hearts,” states that the report is “Just plain mean! For years we’ve been telling people that no matter how they look on the outside, they can be beautiful on the inside. Now a group of scientists are coming along and saying that we were wrong about that? I don’t think so. I refuse to accept that!”

Narrow countered that assertion today by stating that fat people “are ugly on the inside too. Honestly, have you ever seen a plaque-filled artery? Or marbled fat layers wrapping around the vital organs like slick, pale leeches? I rest my case.”

One pastor, Rev. Love Handalls, has chimed into the debate by stating that “all people are made in the image of God and are therefore instilled with dignity and should be loved.” However, it was later revealed that he clocked in at over 300 lbs, so no one is taking him seriously.

Some fat activists are calling for Dr. Narrow to take back her claims, calling her report a “dangerous act that only perpetuates the anti-fat bias of America and does nothing to bring us together as men and women.”

In an angry confrontation on Monday, activists showed up at the IOR. The handful of protestors intended to march around the research facility but got tired too quickly and had to resort to sitting on the benches out front and drinking diet coke in an angry manner and yelling mean things while stuffing their faces with Cheetos and Twix bars looted from local vending machines.

Dr. Vera Narrow isn’t done with her work, however. A new study linking braces, pimples and glasses to school-yard butt-kickings is expected to be released later this year. Until then, she’s counting on her svelte frame and long, slender, attractive and athletic legs to save her from any big old nasty hateful fatsos that want to kill her.

And there are many that do. After lunch, of course. And a nap. And a snack.

New Federal Program Sends Illegals to Disney World

2008-01-29T09:39:00.000-06:00

by Ray Cystpig

ORLANDO, FL (MNN) – It’s 5:00 AM and already there’s a crowd in Disney World’s immaculate parking lot. But instead of the typical multi-national and well-heeled masses, today the lot looks a little like a Home Depot in Texas at the same hour of the morning. Short brown men and women with squalling babies and flashing black eyes have gathered for a momentous occasion – their first visit to Disney World.

When the gates open, the tide of humanity enters. The descendants of great Aztec gods and warriors stare about at the brightly colored toys in the anglocentric paradise dreamed up by Walt Disney many decades ago, during the height of America’s power and influence.

What brought this flood of Mexican visitors to the heart of American culture? A new federal initiative instituted by the Bush Administration called the “Good Neighbor”* program. The “Good Neighbor” program has set aside 68 million dollars for the express purpose of bringing illegal immigrants (note from editor: from now on, use term “undocumented workers”) to Disney World.

One Bush Administration official stated, “Now that you’ve made it to the states… where do you want to go next? I’d assume Disney. That’s where the ‘Good Neighbor’ program comes in.”

Reactions to the program have been mixed. Unexpectedly, some House Republicans are hailing it as a “good way to begin anglo-izing our brown friends.”

Orlando artist and writer Danny Goldman said he was against the initiative on philosophical grounds… “but, you know, it seems like the kids are having a blast, so I can’t be that mad. Besides, all these folks make good candidates for my painting series on peasants.”

Blogger Vark Populus opposed the program as a massive waste of taxpayer funds, but he did see a bright side as well. “Basically, by visiting Disney, maybe they’ll see what a hollow empty lie American values have become… and they’ll want to move back home to a more simple and traditional lifestyle. Heck, I’ll probably be expatriating myself south of the border any day now…”

At Disney World, however, politics are far from the minds of the visitors from the South.

One young man, Benito Angel, speaking through an interpreter, pointed upwards and said “See this castle? Me and my brother built something just like it for this guy in Arizona. In like… four days.”

Unlike many of the investment bankers, laywers, radio producers, and account managers that visit Disney World each year, the Mexican visitors are quiet, respectful, and almost reverent as they tour the theme park. That is, until they reached Epcot and heard Mariachi music emanating from the Mexico Pavilion in the World Showcase. Then, it was all party.

*NOTE: (State Farm has filed litigation against the Federal Government for their use of the copyrighted "Good Neighbor" slogan.)

USDA Releases New Food Pyramid for Seniors

2008-01-24T13:10:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – In a press conference this morning containing representatives of various educational groups and lobbyists, the USDA unveiled a new redesign of their venerable food pyramid. This time, it specifically targets an aging population.

Dr. Ralph Upwat Ijestait addressed attendees. “In all my years as a nutritionist, I’ve never seen a food pyramid that reflects the specific needs of seniors. Now, we finally have it.”

The new pyramid stands tall, featuring Viagra at its sharp and proud peak.

Other new categories can be seen in the accompanying illustration.

One area of debate inside the USDA revolved around whether it was appropriate to feature Alpo, a name-brand dog food, as essential. Some wished to retain grains and legumes instead, but after much lobbying from dog food executives, Alpo won the day. However, according to some insiders, the main argument for its inclusion was due to the fact that today’s senior citizens are basically broke. Many Americans unable and unwilling to save money in their working years rely on Social Security. That fact, along with runaway inflation, has made Alpo into an unlikely staple.

Dr. Ijestait addressed the “Alpo” controversy by stating, “Alpo is really a lot better than many things seniors could eat. Like, uh, each other, I guess.”

Representatives from Lean Cuisine and Ensure also helped with the pyramid, showing that corporate representatives can act outside of their own self-interests for the greater good of the nation.

No word on whether the new food pyramid will help seniors keep the damn kids off their grass.

Bush Stimulus Package Includes "Adult Toys"

2008-01-18T11:15:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) - C'mon... you didn't think this eminent network was actually going to stoop to this level, did you?

There's no way we're writing an article with that heading. The news folks just wanted to write a funny title, okay?

On the web:http://www.cognitrix.com/pages/tips-hints/writing-better-titles-and-sentences.pdf

Gold Hits $900 Despite Stock Market Permabulls

2008-01-14T18:34:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

WALL STREET (MNN) – Gold has hit a new historic high despite the large number of average Americans who still invest in mutual funds and the stock market. Mutual funds, which are one of the stupidest namby-pamby investments in the world, nevertheless make up over 90% of the portfolios of middle class citizens. They are also used extensively by rich investment managers to screw those poorer than themselves.

Gold, which is a historic wealth preserver, is again telling the story it has told through many financial crises. Mainly, you can’t trust a government with the power to print money. When gold goes up, it’s a sure sign that the printing presses are running.

Interestingly, the slimy scumbags at Goldman Sachs recently encouraged investors to “short” gold. Obviously, they’re accumulating (and intending to screw over the shorts) if that’s the kind of advice they’re giving to clients.

Contrarian investment adviser Rob Allsworth has some advice for bankers.

“Remember, you guys are outnumbered by the lumpen masses, and that the lumpen masses often drink heavily and don’t use proper firearm safety, particularly when their hunting rifles are pointed at slick bastards in expensive suits who’ve made a living off the backs of people that work for a living.”

Most investors, however, are still buying stocks and mutual funds despite gold’s epic rise and strong fundamentals. Displaying their bizarre herd instincts, average Americans must think stocks will rise forever – this despite a marked deterioration in fundamentals mixed with a high price to earnings ratio and overbought conditions.

Gold closed the day at $902.60, silver at $16.34.

In other news, President Bush is still a fascist with an abysmal grasp of sound economic policies.

On the web:

http://www.roguegovernment.com/news.php?id=5240

http://www.golddealer.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PISjq4UTG-E

Survey Shows Americans Now Feel Liberals 'Aren’t So Bad Anymore'

2008-01-14T00:34:00.000-06:00

By Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – Many Americans feel radical environmentalists, socialists, peaceniks, gays, PETA members and granola eaters “aren’t so bad anymore.”

Thanks to the fascism of the Bush Administration and the neo-cons, liberals are now looked upon more favorably than ever before.

Former Republican and political analyst Rich Goldman thinks he knows why. “Liberals have been a punching bag for “red state” Americans and conservatives for a long time. Frankly, those on the left are a little loony… but they’re certainly not as scary as the alternatives on the so-called ‘right!’”

Goldman has looked at the liberal/conservative spectrum for years – and liberalism has never been viewed in this positive a light.

“The thing is, good old-fashioned 'robbing the rich and giving to the poor' via expensive and wasteful government programs isn’t the worst thing in the world. Of course it’s stupid and annoying and eats up productivity in the market – but it still beats the heck out of jackboots, pre-emptive wars, torture, secret prisons and press censorship. I think people are now looking at liberals and saying, ‘hey, compared to Bush and crew – these guys and gals look downright wholesome!’”

In one survey that asked Americans questions about their political feelings, liberals were generally more liked than conservatives, provided the word “liberal” was not used.

Of interest was that many respondents who self-identified as evangelicals still hated liberals more than they hated a police state. In fact, most evangelicals actually embraced living in a police state, deduced from their responses to questions about war, torture and civil rights.

A particularly revealing observation showed that most evangelicals called themselves “pro-life,” yet paradoxically supported the slaughter in Iraq as being “just.”

Respondents that identified themselves as “on the left” were not without their own foibles. They often were “pro-choice,” meaning they were okay with the death of unborn innocents, but were adamantly against war-related casualties - another illogical position.

Researchers say a small group was “pro-life” and “anti-war” but their answers didn’t matter since their unnatural views removed them from mainstream American thought.

Another question on the survey asked whether homosexuality was as destructive to society as kicking in skulls, torturing civilians and taking away the right to trial. 80% of Americans felt it was not as destructive, though evangelicals that described themselves as “pleased with the Bush administration” (a large majority) seemed to feel that death wouldn’t be good enough for most gays. Some even suggested that waterboarding might “scare them straight.”

For the small fraction of evangelicals that don’t support the Bush administration and who are not politically liberal, a group mostly comprised of Libertarians, classic conservatives and Constitutionalists, there’s very little hope of fitting into society.

Southern Baptists are likely to tear the limbs off anyone that doesn’t feel our troops are “keeping us free,” and they’re also likely to do the same to those that eat granola or use biodiesel.

Liberals can also be vicious towards those who believe the unborn have rights, or, as the survey puts it, people that feel "homosexuality isn’t something you’re born with, but it is a moral failing that should be met with love and compassion."

The question remains for researchers – why have Americans submitted to the draconian violations of personal liberty and privacy that have been spawned by so-called “conservatives?”

Who knows – but at least liberals are finally feeling some love.

Report: Suicide is “Hot New American Trend”

2008-01-12T22:35:00.000-06:00

by An Gryame Rican

WASHINGTON (MNN) – Tired of living in a police state with a sinking economy? Then you might want to kill yourself! That’s the message teens and young career professionals are responding to in increasing numbers.

As chances of escape from fascism narrow this electoral season, many Americans just can’t take it anymore.

Psychologist Dr. Hope Liss explains. “The Bush administration and the neo-cons have led this nation down the road to fascism at an amazing pace. Warrant less wiretapping, denying the right to a trial, do-not-fly lists, secret prisons, torture – all scary things that people didn’t have to face a decade ago.” Dr. Liss argues that current events have made life “much less bearable” for those that see what’s going on.

She also stated “Psychopaths like Rumsfield, Wolfowitz and Ashcroft have given us a police state. And it’s harder than ever to escape overseas, even for Americans that can afford to do so. These leaders have also destroyed us financially by creating massive amounts of debt that the average citizen is unwitting collateral for. It’s made more people than ever take the easy way out… by killing themselves.”

Unfortunately, it seems that the people that should take their own lives, like the freedom-hating oligarchs that are ruining our nation, thrive here on earth.

Many student political groups on campuses around the US have quit reading out loud from the Constitution in favor of “Final Exit,” a tome on suicide methods that has flown off the shelves since Bush’s re-election.

Even some journalists are seriously considering suicide now that Ron Paul’s campaign is under heavy media attack. The chances of escaping a police state are next to nil, and the election fraud in New Hampshire that eliminated votes for Paul is making many of us want to en

Aw screw it... where's my gun?

(ARTICLE INCOMPLETE)

So-called “Christian” Album Leaves Some Evangelicals Cold

2008-01-08T21:46:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

NASHVILLE (MNN) – In the wake of a massive stream of lousiness coming from the Christian music industry, one man has taken a different approach - an approach that is making many evangelicals angry.

The album title? “Feast of Corpses.”

The man behind this grueling exercise in sonic violence is Will “Spawnslicer” Keizer. Keizer, a musician, songwriter and producer, has turned the idea of a Christian album on its head. Instead of creating overproduced, schmaltzy, sugary pop, Keizer has done the unthinkable.

In his words, “I created a violent rampaging thrash album about eating human flesh.”

The title track features Keizer bragging about how his “liberty in Christ” allows him to be a cannibal. In the background, loud chewing noises are juxtaposed with a pipe organ, a machine gun, and a squawking chicken. Another track, which clocks in at 16 minutes, is comprised of a 500bpm drum track running underneath shattering glass, screaming, and what can only be described as a “choir of demons.”

“I want people to bleed from their ears and call on God for mercy,” says Keizer. “Then I’ll kick them in the shins and eat their eyeballs.”

Despite opposition by many, some industry insiders such as Josh Matkins, call the album “a work of genius.” Matkins works on a part time basis in the CCM subscription department sorting mail.

Keizer admits he’s bucking the trend. “I’m up against a ton of opposition. People have been on this worship album kick lately… with all these sweet little tunes about heaven and such. Really though, we need more blood, swords, sacrifices and things. That’s what it’s all about.”

Other track titles include “Monster Under My Bed That Will Eat your $&$*#*# HEAD!,” “Kill ‘em All,” “Bloodbath Suicide Death Darkness Demon Drug Slicer” and “Kum-ba-yah.”

“Feast of Corpses” arrived on store shelves last week.

Human Voting Behaviors Linked to Bee Genes

2008-01-08T21:26:00.001-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn and Ariel Cy Intist

BERKELEY, California (MNN) – Researchers announced today that they have found a link between bee genes and American voting behavior. This bizarre biological link could turn the modern idea of democracy on its head.

Lead researcher Dr. Linda Mackerel announced her findings at the yearly state fair/science expo. “It’s amazing. In a study spanning two decades and including over 10,000 human volunteers and 500 hives, we’ve found that the same genes that make drones are latent in human beings. Somehow we’re linked! However, in a bizarre coincidence, these genes only seem to be active during election cycles.”

The concept of mass mindlessness triggered by events is not new. It’s been blamed for everything from poodle skirts to the tech stock boom. However, a genetic link had never been proven – and certainly not a link to the lowly bee.

Dr. Mackerel further said, “Not to be too harsh, but drone bees exist only to swarm, screw and die. But in the case of human beings, when these genes become active, they swarm to the polls to vote for whatever worthless candidates seem to have the nicest hair, speeches or whatever… there’s no rational thought involved. And once these human drones have screwed our country for the next four years… do they go on to the third stage and die? No. The gene loses its grip and they go back to living their lives, unfortunately.”

Though most American voters exhibit the “drone” gene, one group did not. Mackerel expounded. “Interestingly, Libertarians do NOT seem to be affected by the drone gene. They think through the issues from a rational viewpoint, though due to their small numbers, they are always washed out on election day.”

What causes the Libertarian immunity? “Apparently the Libertarian immunity is caused by a combination of other genes that subvert the drone instinct,” said Mackerel. “However, these genes also may have some undesirable natures. For instance the “lone wolf” gene can isolate its carriers and the “objectivist” gene can lead to extreme selfishness. To a lesser amount, the “nerd” gene, the “sci-fi” gene, the “techie” gene and the “screw you collectivist bastards” gene also cause Libertarians some problems, since none of these genes ever switch off – and, though they can be beneficial, they cause social friction.”

Outside of the study, some other scientists remain skeptical of the findings. Dr. Iam Indenile of MIT was interviewed while watching the New Hampshire primary coverage.

“Come on? Bee genes and drone behaviors! Let’s talk about something real. Have you heard all the buzz about Obama? I like Obama. He’s nice. Obamabamabama!”

As for Dr. Mackerel, she simply hopes that her team will be able to further study drone genes in the hopes that one day they’ll find a cure for the two party system – and bring new intelligence in voting.

Eminent Journalist Suffers Loss of Ron Paul Sign

2008-01-07T08:45:00.000-06:00

By An Gryame Rican

NASHVILLE (MNN) – Blogger, writer and freedom-loving journalist Vidad MaGoodn suffered a major loss in his lonely battle for freedom yesterday.

MaGoodn, the originator of the “MaGoodn News Network,” woke up yesterday morning to discover that his “Ron Paul for President” yard sign had been pilfered from his front lawn.

MaGoodn, who is a classical liberal, (which means he’s an old-school conservative, like Republicans used to be, except fiscally he’s more of a Jeffersonian Democrat, though he’s also taken up with Austrian economic thinking and has flirted with Rothbard’s anarcho-capitalism, though he still believes generally in a government that sets some inviolable moral standards, such as the ‘right to life,’ just so long as the government is kept small) was devastated by the loss.

“I can’t believe someone would take my Ron Paul sign. Are they THAT scared of him? It must be one of the Thompsonites or something. Though I didn’t think they’d even get out of bed long enough to do something like this.”

The Ron Paul sign, which was made of attractive vinyl and was a gift from Keizer Wilhelm IV, had been placed near the base of the stop sign that resided at the corner of MaGoodn’s yard. MaGoodn has since made a new sign with masonite and magic marker, this time nailing it to a tree alongside the road.

“Let’s see them pry the nails out and take this one!” he remarked, to no one in particular.

After nailing up his new, uglier sign, MaGoodn also formulated a plan to deter future thefts.

“If they steal this one, I’ll nail the next one to the tree but glue razorblades around its edges! Then I’ll sit back and wait to hear the screams of whatever Statist pig is stealing my free speech!”

MaGoodn has not yet ruled out the threat of a vast conspiracy to steal Ron Paul signs.

“I’ll tell you what – I’m watching for the men in black. It might not be some isolated redneck with a grudge. In the case that I disappear from the blogosphere, let everyone take note – I was taken out by the enemies of freedom.”

No word on whether MaGoodn will be guarding his yard with a shotgun. Based on past evidence, the chances are high.

Quaking Bankers Announce New Year will be “Just Fine” Economically

2008-01-02T22:48:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

NEW YORK (MNN) – Despite the sub-prime crisis, layers of derivatives, sky-rocketing foreclosures, imploding mortgage lenders, the falling dollar, rapidly rising inflation, the possibility of peak oil, a nuclear and unstable Pakistan, the endless Iraq War, massive credit-card defaults, unstable markets, out of control debt, record bankruptcy filings, a massive government deficit, imminent recession, the decline of commercial property values, massive shortfalls in state budgets and rapidly dropping home prices, representatives from most major US banks announced yesterday that “things will be just fine in 2008.”

Sweating and stammering, SunTrust CFO Rich Shyster addressed investors first, stating that “Everything will be okay. Don’t panic. Really. Promise us you won’t panic. And please, please, don’t lose confidence in us or this deck of cards will fall faster than the twin towers.”

Banks have been having endemic issues lately, predominately thanks to the fascist nature of the Federal Reserve, the quasi-private cartel that manipulates the US economy for its own gain. The “fractional reserve” system of banking that currently infects the US has allowed banks to lend out many times the amount of money they receive in deposits… meaning that if even a small percentage of customers try to claim their funds from the bank, runs will immediately result. This has made banks nervous as credit tightens and the economy contracts.

Bank of America’s president, S. Crew Emaul, also urged investors to “stay the course.” He further stated, “Now is the time to really get into the stock market. And real estate is looking like a bargain! Buy it up – we’ve got a bunch of foreclosures on sale!” Mr. Emaul then turned around on stage, popped a couple of pills, and smiled at investors.

The president of the bank of Japan, Oliver Egsarin Wonbasket, also attended the press conference. However, he simply toyed nervously with a ceremonial dagger and said nothing.

One thing the bankers all seemed to agree on was their opinion that buying gold was stupid. Shyster summed it up. “Don’t do it. Just don’t. Please. It’s, a, uh, barbaric relic. Please rely on government promises instead. We are!”

Gold hit an all time high in nominal terms earlier today.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke also chimed into the bank situation, offering a free stuffed helicopter to anyone that still believes in the Fed’s ability to stave off a collapse. According to one source, only Bush Administration officials and Ivy League economic professors have taken him up on the offer.

In other news, the privately issued silver Liberty Dollar is now worth $15.20 in Federal Reserve Notes. And climbing.

Report: S.F. Tiger Smoked Pot

2007-12-27T10:41:00.000-06:00

By Vidad MaGoodn

SAN JOSE, Calif. (MNN) – This week’s deadly rampage at the San Francisco Zoo has another twist. Police say they have recovered marijuana smoking paraphernalia inside Tatiana the tiger’s cage.

San Jose Police Chief Yur Nofunani Moore says it was “highly likely” that the tiger was a pothead, which “is almost always a major factor in violent crime.”

Moore also stated, “Who else would have stashed drugs inside an animal’s den? It must have been her stash. She was obviously puffin’ the chronic.”

DEA Spokesperson Mary Tyrant condemned the tiger attack as an act of drug-related terror. “This just goes to show the vicious pitfalls of marijuana. This dangerous drug causes aggression, violence, rape, homosexuality, libertarianism and more. I am not at all surprised to see that this lion [sic] went nuts on it.”

In a much-anticipated retort, the editor of “High Times” magazine used the most overused cliché in the world and condemned the supposed police link between pot and violence as “reefer madness” by the DEA.

Meanwhile, the tiger’s den is still under investigation as a crime scene. Posthumous sentencing of the animal is expected to be harsher if drugs are found in the autopsy.

Early reports that Tatiana listened to Bob Marley after-hours have not been confirmed.

On the web: http://www.amazon.com/Reefer-Madness-Restored-Dorothy-Short/dp/B00018D3XM

Vice President Cheney Admits Envy for Omaha Shooter

2007-12-26T16:25:00.000-06:00

By Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON DC – In a remarkably candid conversation outside the White House today, Vice President Cheney stated his admiration for the marksmanship showed in the brutal mall shootings that occurred in Omaha earlier this month.

Hunting enthusiasts who had received golden tickets in a Bass Pro Shops giveaway contest got to meet the Vice President in person at this exclusive event. But apparently some were appalled by Cheney’s lack of regard for human life.

John Bentrop from Macungie Pennsylvania was one of those attendees. “First we were talking about Quail hunting and turkey shoots… then the Vice President got this weird look in his eye as he clutched an antique shotgun and started talking about killing things. Then when he got to the part about how great it would be to shoot up a mall, people started to get pretty upset.”

Bill Marshall, a Texas hunting enthusiast and fellow attendee concurs. “At one point, Mr. Cheney said ‘(the Omaha gunman’s) ability to hit people and really make ‘em dead was very impressive.’ We thought that was weird… but it got even weirder. The Vice President had this faraway look on his face like a creep in the women’s underwear section of Target… he just went on and on about it.”

Marshall also stated that the Vice President said “he was getting a little too old to be shooting folks in person” but added, “at least I’ve got some poor kids over there in the Middle East doing gratuitous killing for me. Kill kill kill kill kill…”

According to witnesses, Cheney also “petted” his shotgun like it was a trusty old dog, before pointing it at attendees and yelling “bang.”

He continued yelling "bang" until attendees were dispersed by the Secret Service.

On the web: http://www.nrahq.org/education/guide.asp

Joyce Myers’ Toilet Butt of Jokes

2007-12-20T02:08:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

FENTON, Missouri (MNN) - Televangelist Joyce Myers is giving the biblical phrase “bowels of mercy” a new meaning, in that she’s hoping the government will have mercy on her purchase of a tax-exempt $23,000 toilet.

In a press release punctuated with donation requests, Myers wrote that she deserves her sumptuous tax-deductible commode for her “golden ass,” a possible reference to the perennial favorite bathroom book by Lucius Apuleius.

Myers further opined, “Many biblical characters had amazing bathrooms. I heard that Queen Jezebel’s shower could fit three eunuchs with room left over for dwarves, goats, and her husband! And don’t even get me started on Samson’s bathroom… with hair like his, I heard his vanity was so large it actually had no bounds!”

Joyce Myers toilet isn’t the first extravagant purchase by a televangelist. Noted faith healer and hair stylist Benny Hinn once built a bronze swimming pool and filled it with molten silver just “so he could look at it when he reflected on God’s goodness.”

And Pat Robertson’s amazingly pimp lime green low-rider Bentley is still ranked as one of the most expensive vehicles ever made.

Even Mother Theresa once had two nickels to rub together, despite her dedication to helping the poor.

The revelation about Myers is unlikely to have any effect on her most dedicated viewers. However, some were shocked to discover that she owned a toilet, since she is so amazingly spiritual that they believed her incapable of being in the same room as a commode, let alone relieving herself upon one.

There’s no word yet on whether the toilet will help reach people with the gospel. She also wants everyone to stop joking around because it makes it “hard to concentrate on her latest push.”

According to one source, the government is also analyzing Joyce Myers’ platinum hair dryer, diamond-studded curlers, palladium shower, amethyst bidet and molybdenum in-sink-erator.

But, as one supporter says, “We don’t care about the toilet. Just please, Joyce, please – tell us you washed your hands before praying over us last week!”

Christmas Song Remake Ban Finds Support

2007-12-16T01:39:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn and Keizer Wilhelm IV

NASHVILLE (MNN) – Bill King is a music producer – but he’s also a person with ears. This makes him one of the roughly 300 million Americans being tortured this holiday season by increasingly stupid remakes of classic Christmas songs.

Stupid remakes have been around for a long time. Ever since the Turtles were forced to cover “Eve of Destruction,” ill-considered song covers, and song re-covers, have been a growing problem. But nowhere is this problem manifested with more virulency than during Christmas. Christmas song remakes rape the ears of harmless shoppers, restaurant goers and travelers.

Bill King wants that to end. “Every year it gets more stupid. That’s why I’m calling for a federal ban on new remakes of Christmas songs. The best remade version of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ was certainly released decades ago – I don’t need to hear it covered again by artists like Justin Timberlake, Kanye West, Norah Jones or Modest Mouse – just let it DIE!”

King’s idea of a “remake ban” was first stated in a Red Robin restaurant to the amusement of his tablemates. But now the call to action is on the verge of being considered by Congress. Apparently, many Americans are tired of the endless mass-produced musical “cheer” being promulgated by the major record labels.

Even though most people would like the remakes to end, the coast isn’t clear for legislation to pass – yet. The debate is now centered on timing. Should the remakes stop now – or should the last few decades of remakes be destroyed as well? No one would argue that the Psychedelic Furs’ 1986 release of “Jingle Bells” was a work of high art – but should it really be blacklisted? And when one congressman proposed banning the Jackson Five’s ill-considered 70s disco cover of “White Christmas,” the Reverend Al Sharpton called it a racially motivated action, quickly prompting the retraction of the suggestion.

House Republicans are now generally calling for the destruction and confiscation of not just remakes – but of all – Christmas music after Bing Crosby’s “Christmastime with Family and Friends” record. They also support legislation that will allow warrantless wiretapping of office parties, ensuring that stray remakes don’t slip by the Department of Melodic Purity.

Though acknowledging the need for action, Democrats are not keen on the Republicans concept of a post-Bing Crosby ban. They argue the Christmas music of the 60s and 70s should also be kept. Last week, Senator Ted Kennedy argued that the “social value” of Jefferson Airplane’s 1967 release “Santa’s Longest Trip” and the Grateful Dead’s song “Xmas White as Snow, Glad I’m Doing Blow” represent a peace-driven era of musical brilliance that should be remembered every year as a great step forward in the holiday rights movement.

Another event that brought the remake issue to a forefront this week involved a highschool caroling event gone terribly wrong. One teen burst into a rap during the middle of “What Child is This?” killing half a dozen students with his horrible lack of taste. He then took his own life with a prolonged high G note. The rap was later revealed to have been taken from Run DMC’s abysmal 1990 Christmas album “Lightin’ Up Trees in da Hood.” Now officials fear more copy-cat remakes of remakes.

In a break with the Republicans in Congress, the White House has so far recommended “staying the course” by allowing the remakes to continue despite widespread opposition. President Bush has even called for a major surge in remakes – a hawkish position unlikely to improve US standing in worldwide music charts.

However, all this doesn’t deter King. “Enough is enough. We’re gonna fight until this stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid music is off the air for good.”

Oregon Progressives Call for Teacher’s Death

2007-12-12T16:10:00.000-06:00

PORTLAND, Oregon (MNN) – A third-grade teacher who declined to participate in this year’s Mother Earth Festival has prompted violent protests by Oregon’s active progressive and liberal community. Many fundamentalist progressives are calling for his execution under socialist law.

The teacher, 42-year-old Cliff Nodes, is stunned by the outcry. “All I did was decide not to require my class to be a part of this year’s festival. I didn’t think it was that big a deal. Honestly, since many of the kids are struggling with their math and English homework, I thought adding another thing to their busy schedules wasn’t fair.”

Nodes is no stranger to controversy. Two years ago he was almost suspended after his students named a whale “Adam Smith” in the schools’ annual “Adopt-a-Whale” program. The whale was later renamed Joni Mitchell, though some still resented the fact that the name of a capitalist was even spoken in the classroom. Nodes claimed he “didn’t realize” the name had a historic context and that he and the students just “liked its cadence.”

Now that he’s at the center of another controversy, however, his career may truly be in jeopardy.

Protestors surrounded the school today screaming threats, chanting, burning cars and, in the case of some female “breasts not bombs” representatives, baring their breasts and denouncing the president. It has not been established if they were at the right protest, however.

Greenpeace is also calling for Nodes to be put to death for his impertinence against “our Great Mother Earth, oh blessed fertile womb that brought us forth.”

School board director Clu Less also denounced the teacher’s actions as “Shameful. We’ve thought all along that he might be a right-wing plant in our school… but now we know for sure.”

Nodes has been incarcerated in a completely organic jail cell made from natural free-trade hemp as he awaits charges.

His lawyer, attorney Stuk Indapast, is hopeful that he’ll be set free. “As it is, math and English only comprise 2% of the curriculum at the school. My client wanted to increase that. It's unconscionable that 98% of the third grade curriculum revolves around various forms of earth worship, self-esteem programs, peer counseling, drug awareness, sex education and craft time. All he wanted to do was make more time for what should be core subjects!”

Progressives vow to make an example of Nodes – and to recycle all legal briefings filed against him.

War on Terror not Enough, Neocons Say

2007-12-11T09:58:00.000-06:00

By Ann Xious

WASHINGTON, D.C. (WTF) - Frustrated with the slow progress and reduced popularity of the War on Terror, the Bush cabinet and other key leaders are pushing for a new "surge", one that expands the War to include other negative emotions.

"Fear certainly... panic, dread, anxiety, concern..." Dick Cheney ticked them off as he spoke in today's press conference. "These are all emotions documented around the world to be aligned with the interests of Negativity, and should not be tolerated by the North American Un---uhh, I mean the United StatesofMerica."

In this bold new plan, soldiers will be trained for empathy and face-reading, so they will be able to recognize not only Terror when they see it in someone's face, but even the milder versions of that emotion: fear and apprehension. Some will even be able to distinguish more subtlety, such as dismay, wariness, distrust, perhaps even annoyance. All of these emotions will of course be extracted from their person of origin and --through a "program of extraordinary emotive rendition", be acted out on stage at "community centers" in friendly nations such as Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Morocco, and Uzbekistan.

But are there other negative emotions we should be concerned about. (ed. Oops, I just did it myself, didn't I)?

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice took the podium to explain further. "We are actively compiling a list of... actionable emotions." For reasons of national security, she refused to name any of these emotions, nor to even mime some to the crowd of reporters. "These emotions don't deserve a public forum. They are negative, and make people feel bad, and anything that makes people feel bad is an enemy of liberty. Americans should be ever vigilant against these emotions, but leave it up to us to know what they are."

An unnamed source did reveal a few more emotions that Americans should be ever vigilant to repress: defiance tops the list, followed by bellicosity, frustration, dread, foreboding, discomposure, and on to grief and heartache. But, this source warned, do not assume that if these specific emotions are not present, that things are OK. Negativity is a worldwide killer of OK-ness, and can strike at any time. Finally, to truly combat this danger, the Dept. of Homeland Security has created a new agency: The Institute of Official Cheer, and has tapped for its leader former White House grounds keeper Michael D "Heckofajob" Brownie.

Hollywood movie actors (long-time users of said emotions) were quick to attempt to voice protest, but were left speechless, due to the strike by the Writers Guild of America. A Guild spokesperson, when contacted, said "we own the rights to any written representation of those emotions. If the Bush Administration wants to be successful in this War, we will have to
receive royalties on each and every "emotional extradition" performed in the War on [Negative Emotions]." The unnamed spokescreature went on to say "Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel, or, such as... well nowadays I mean, like someone who buys desktop publishing software... a lot."

On the web: http://lileks.com/institute/ (Institute of Official Cheer)

Heaven Refusing Dollars, Prefers Euros: Southern Baptists Express Outrage

2007-12-08T23:46:00.000-06:00

by Buck Spender

PEARLY GATES, Heaven (MNN) – Joining a rapidly growing group of detractors, the Kingdom of Heaven has announced it will no longer be accepting donations in dollars.

Michael the Archangel made the announcement this morning in a rare media appearance. “The fact is, even we can’t afford the exchange rate. God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, sure – but He isn’t going to trade any of those heifers for your worthless bucks. Trillions of these scraps of paper are floating around out there and we’re no longer going to honor them. From now on, we’re forced to go with the Euro.”

Heaven, the streets of which are reportedly “paved with gold,” has no need of money inside its gates, however, its citizens on Earth use various currencies in their efforts to spread the gospel, buy pews and pay for giant steeples.

St. Peter also chimed in after Michael’s announcement with his own feelings on the US Dollar. “You know, back before the Fed took over and started sucking the value out of the Dollar, I was a dollar bull… economics being sort of a little hobby of mine. In those days I even used dollars to wallpaper my bathroom since they were basically as good as gold. I’m really disappointed in America, though. It was a special project of ours but their citizens have totally squandered the greatness they started with. The decline of the dollar is just another symptom of their abject stupidity.”

Southern Baptists, however, are outraged by Heaven’s announcement, calling it “Unpatriotic” in a press release that came out only hours after Michael’s speech.

The release read in part; “How could they go with the Euro when we’re a nation at war? We need Heaven’s support so we can kill them Muslims! President Bush is doing God’s work… and then God’s own kingdom betrays us just like the French did when they chickened out on Iraq. Well fine, then, we don’t need allies like you. We’re pretty much good on our own, thank you very much!”

Heaven’s announcement sent rumbles through the currency markets where growing sentiment against the dollar has already put it at its lowest value in US history.

The Pope welcomed the news, since Vatican City is predominately funded by the Euro.

Apparently, Sean Hannity also chimed into the debate this evening by saying something, however, nobody without severe mental retardation was watching him so it’s unsure what he was talking about, not that it matters.

Speaking from the White House, the president has assured people that no matter what Heaven does, he’s committed to “staying the course.”

The dollar dropped an additional 4% on today’s news, meaning that it now lags every other currency, including tiny shells, pins and pocket lint.

On the web: http://www.amazon.com/Empire-Debt-Rise-Financial-Crisis/dp/047198048X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b

Captain America Comes Out of Closet

2007-12-06T21:31:00.001-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

PUERTO RICA (MNN) - Captain America has come out of the closet. No, not that closet. He's not gay - he's just Puerto Rican. In his latest costume redesign, the venerable comic hero reveals his love for the island territory by proudly displaying the Puerto Rican flag on his chest.

"Why can't I be Puerto Rican and be Captain America at the same time?" he asked in one dialog bubble in Captain America #4893 "The Caribbean Affair." "I just like the warm weather." He then performed a meringue punctuated with uppercuts for all the bad guys.

Despite Captain America's insistence that it's okay to be hispanic and be an American icon, comic aficionados are afraid that the trend towards multiculturalism may soon affect other comics. Rumors are circulating that Batman may soon be relocating the Bat-cave to South Africa. And The Joker? He's now rumored to be portrayed as Nigerian in upcoming comics.

Captain America's change of origin is particularly impacting now that Spiderman has been spotted climbing the Eiffel Tower and wearing a beret. And in March, Iron Man changed his name to "Sticks, Rocks and Grubs Man" to celebrate his new comic role as "Hero Among the Pygmies."

All this is old news to Superman, whose origin on Krypton already classifies him as an illegal alien.

Chinese–made “Love Doll” Recalled

2007-12-06T18:46:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

Beijing, CHINA (MNN) – Owners of the popular “Happyfuntime Betty” doll are feeling less than happy with their mechanical companions these days. That’s because the Japanese designed fembot, which is manufactured in China, has been deemed unsafe by American inspectors, prompting a massive recall in the middle of the busy holiday season. Intended as a sex toy, “Happyfuntime Betty” has sold over 100,000 units, making it the second most popular device for self-stimulation since the advent of stuffed animals.

The main danger is apparently the lead paint in Happyfuntime Betty’s lips.

Dick Ramblin, a long-time Happyfuntime Betty owner, was shocked by the recall. “Betty’s my entire world… ever since I left my Mom’s basement, she’s been there for me.” He further remarked, “This announcement makes sense, though. I guess her lips literally were ‘driving me mad!’”

The Happyfuntime Betty recall marks the latest in a long string of Chinese-made product recalls. Beegphat Wang, owner of Happyfuntime Betty Limited, has stated that he hopes they can get the company back on track by Valentine’s Day. “This is a real shame. It’s not as bad as when we tried to release the ‘Real Woman’ model, but it’s gonna be a tough holiday season for our company, that’s for sure.”

The ‘Real Woman’ doll was a previous failure by the company. ‘She’ was the first love doll that complained of headaches and required the trash be taken out before ‘putting out.’ The doll also had a PMS feature that completely shut the unit down sexually for one week out of four.

Owners of the defective Happyfuntime Betty dolls have been asked to register their names online in a publicly accessible database so their units can be replaced, though very few customers have as of yet revealed their identities.

Dept. of Homeland Security Warns Against Hannukah

2007-12-06T11:31:00.000-06:00

By Ray Cystpig

NEW YORK (MNN) – If you’re celebrating Hannukah this year, better watch out for government agents! You may be engaging in terror.

In a statement issued this morning, the Department of Homeland security wrote in part, “Menorahs are a symbol of intolerance – a symbol of terror. There’s never any excuse to rebel against your government, yet that’s just what the Jews did millennia ago with the help of the Maccabee terror network.”

Today marks day two of the long-standing Jewish holiday commemorating the anniversary of their 165 B.C.E. victory over the Greeks occupying their land. But government officials feel that it strikes a little close to home this year, particularly as US forces occupy multiple nations around the globe.

High-ranking official Mary Tyrant further clarified the DHS warning. “We’re not saying we think everyone lighting a menorah or spinning a dredel will support terror, but with the political situation the way it is, and during a time of war, should we really be celebrating the overthrow of government? It just seems to be in poor taste at best, and we will have our eyes and our ears on anyone participating in this pro-terror event.”

Rabbi ben Thair, outraged by the DHS statement, stood on a podium in his synagogue with Baptist Pastor Jimmy Dean and Muslim cleric Abu bin Massasoit Ali Selwyn Mohammad and urged Jews, Christians, Muslims and all people of faith to band together and stand up for religious tolerance and the right to practice any faith without government involvement. “If we don’t do something now, dark days are ahead! My people have been oppressed throughout history – and it needs to stop. America was founded on principles that we’re forgetting – let’s not let it happen again!”

However, Pastor Jimmy Dean didn’t quite agree with that message. After Rabbi ben Thair’s plea, Dean announced, “This building is now surrounded by Homeland security agents. President Bush is a godly man and I support anything he does without question. That’s why I’m here today – to fight the terror you people are endorsing!” He then said a prayer in King James English as zealous agents crashed through the windows and clubbed attendees.

As for Mohammed, he may or may not be the person that slipped away from the proceedings and blew himself up inside the synagogues’ crowded nursery. A passport bearing his name was found there by DHS agents, though no trace of his body has yet been identified.

The Department of Homeland security called the synagogue raid a “success,” and also unveiled what it calls the “Yellow Star ID System,” which requires Jews to wear a yellow star for their protection. According to an inside source, the system can be expanded in the future to include homeschoolers, hard-money advocates, homosexuals, bloggers, non-Baptist Christians and people that read the constitution.

Local redneck Jim Beam Horton was amazed by the new system. “I always thought the Zionists were controlling everything. Maybe this Yellow Star thing is just some new way they’re hiding their real control?”

On the web: http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday7.htm

New Miss World Thanks Chinese One-child Policy, Parents

2007-12-01T23:09:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

HAINAN Province, China (MNN) – There’s a new Miss World champion and she’s pinning her success on an unlikely source – China’s controversial one-child policy.

Zhang Zilin, speaking through an interpreter, stated, “I must thank the one-child policy for my success in this pageant. Most of my potential Chinese competition was killed in the womb or through infanticide. Fortunately, I am here today!”

China’s one child policy was adopted to control their population explosion - an explosion that could not be dealt with under their totalitarian communist government. Being essentially atheistic, murdering the unborn has been a mainstay of Chinese public policy since 1979, when it was instituted by the Xiaoping regime.

Unfortunately, the policy has led to a shortage of females in China, since traditional families generally prefer male infants.

Zilin’s success in the Miss World pageant can therefore be successfully linked to the one-child policy, since, in a country of almost two billion, she represented one of only 2305 females in the 18–25 age bracket.

When questioned about what she intended to do after the competition, Zilin said she was already being pursued by “at least 15,000 suitors” in her village alone. Now that she’s made mainstream TV the numbers may be much higher.

The new Miss World further thanked her parents. “I am so happy that they let me live to see this day, since my other four sisters all died of exposure as infants before my parents had me and realized they were too old to hope for a son anymore. This is a great day for me, and a great day for China!”

After prompting from a government official, Miss World also stated she will not be going to Disney World since it “was a symbol of decadent capitalism.”

CNN Sort of Apologizes for “Sucking so Bad”

2007-12-01T14:23:00.000-06:00

By An Gryame Rican

ATLANTA (MNN) – It seems that CNN has finally come to see the error of its ways. Sort of.

In a press release this morning, the massive news network responded to the outcries about its blatantly biased CNN/YouTube debate. The debate featured the leading Republican presidential candidates with the notable exception of Alan Keyes (deemed by CNN as too black and too truthful to be a Real Republican ™.)

The controversy revolves around CNN’s blatant pandering to Satan, widely regarded by the mainstream media as the race’s frontrunner. The time and questions allotted to Satan in the two-hour "debate" were significantly greater than allotted to the other candidates, with Bomb Tancredo’s time being limited to just under four minutes. Slick Romney had the second largest time allotment, followed by Tired Old Guy and that white haired guy with weird cheeks. Huckster was given roughly half the time allotted to the Prince of Darkness, followed by Ron Paul and Dunkin’ Donuts Hunter.

CNN’s press release showed limited regret, reading in part; “We apologize to the American people for sucking so bad. We admit it, we sold our souls to the devil and we sort of wish we could get them back. Really though, we’re all going to hell anyways, along with our neo-con competition over at Fox, so we’re just going to keep stumping for Satan even though we know it’s unprofessional. So even though we’re supposed to be part of the fourth pillar of government - suck it, America!”

Many analysts aren’t viewing this as much of an apology, especially considering how CNN continues to pretend that the slick perfect-haired bastards they put on TV are actually objective.

When asked about the apology from CNN and how it affects their side of the debate, a YouTube exec wrote, “its just t/w we doin things, lol. FU usa! (j/k) btw, we dunno wtf’s up w CNN but snowman had us like rofl!!!”

YouTube statements aside, it appears that for now, the Internet is basically the only place you’ll find the truth. That is, if Americans can stop spending all their time looking at porn and forwarding fraudulent warnings about gang initiations and exploding gel candles.

On the web: http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/28/486161.aspx

Ghost of Thomas Jefferson Holds Press Conference, Condemns Presidential Field

2007-11-28T10:46:00.000-06:00

By An Gryame Rican

MONTICELLO (MNN) – There’s nothing more startling than getting kicked awake by a livid ghost. That’s how Monticello caretaker Melissa Rubinstein described her rude awakening yesterday morning.

“I had finished cataloguing a new cache of Revolutionary War era linens and had retired to my little room without seeing anything out of the ordinary. Then, at about 4:30AM, there he was! Thomas Jefferson! Hair standing on end, kicking the side of my bed and yelling ‘Have you heard what they’re doing out there? Confound and blast the ruffians!’”

When the dead awake and want to talk – you take notice. That’s how Rubinstein justified her decision to set up a press conference for the United States’ long-dead third president and primary author of the Declaration of Independence.

And as for Jefferson – he did not disappoint. After glaring at the attending press for a few long moments, he stated his disgust with the current administration, the 'War on Terror' (Or as he called it, the ‘war on freedom’), the welfare state, our foreign wars, and the entire slate of presidential candidates, with the notable exception of Dr. Ron Paul.

“Look at the grievous ills you have wrought! You ‘conservatives,’ and you ‘liberals’! You’ve created a vile stench that even reaches beyond the grave! And you know not the meanings behind the labels you take upon yourselves! I, myself, and many of the statesmen who birthed this nation, were liberal! Our policies were those of free trade, open-handedness and individual rights! Yet you who now take the label promote wealth distribution through confiscation. Stealing what is not yours and giving it away whilst pretending compassion. Compassion? You are criminals! And as for thee that label thyselves ‘conservative,’ pray tell me, what are you conserving? Certainly not the liberties bequeathed to you! You have entangled the nation in wars, subjugated the citizenry under tyrannical laws and strengthened the federal government over the sovereignty of thy home states!”

Members of the press in attendance were sparse since hotel mogul Paris Hilton was also visiting Monticello for a taping of her new reality series “Hilton Does America.” A handful of bloggers were at the event, along with a representative of Lew Rockwell’s libertarian-leaning website.

Jefferson continued his talk by railing against interventionism, the ACLU, socialists, the United Nations, the neo-con movement, and the religious ‘right,’ for being both idiotic in their candidate choices and in their pro-war, pro-big government politics. He also ridiculed the War Between the States that occurred under President Abraham Lincoln, whom Jefferson referred to with a very bad word.

Before dissolving into mist, Jefferson did however mention Dr. Ron Paul’s campaign as being the “only chance this lazy, ill-educated and disastrously totalitarian society has for a return to freedom. Of course, I’m sure you’re too pig-headedly daft to support him. May you enjoy your chains.”

In a short statement issued a few hours after Jefferson’s press conference, the White House labeled Jefferson’s appearance as an “ill-advised publicity stunt that doesn’t help us win the war on terror. This is not a time for grandstanding.”

As for Rubinstein, she’s decided not to continue her role at Monticello since it’s just “too convicting to meet a man of principle.”

On the web: http://www.archives.gov/national-archives-experience/charters/constitution.html

Richard Dawkins Denies Existence of Fish

2007-11-26T01:10:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

OXFORD (MNN) – Looks like fishing enthusiasts need to find a new hobby. At least if you believe noted atheist Richard Dawkins.

Dawkins, the author of “The God Delusion” and “A Gentleman’s Guide to Sportcoats, Ties and Accessories,” made a startling claim last week, stating he “no longer believes in fish.”

Addressing a lecture hall at Oxford University, Dawkins reiterated his view that belief in God is “idiocy” and followed up that statement by also remarking that he “no longer believes in fish.”

“Fish, fish, fish. We hear about them all the time. People claim to eat them, we see meat in the supermarket labeled ‘fish,’ but really, there’s no reason to believe fish are real. It’s a fairy tale. A fairy tale that has led to the deaths of thousands of deluded individuals throughout the centuries who went out in boats and sought after mythical beasts such as tuna, salmon, and even haddock. I think it's no coincidence that Christian mythology uses a fish to represent their god. A mythological animal representing a mythological tribal deity.”

Dawkins has in the past argued that the origin of the universe is completely explainable through material means, eliminating the need for a God. He’s been named as the premier atheistic thinker alive - but even his colleagues in the atheist community are meeting his latest claim with criticism.

Sam Harris, prominent atheist and author of “The End of Faith and Other Bedtime Stories” said he was “appalled by Dawkins’ disbelief in fish. How can anyone disbelieve in fish? They’re so obviously a part of the earth’s ecosystem, food chain, etc. I’ve admired Dawkins in the past… but I can’t get behind this new kick of his.” Harris further suggested that Dawkins could benefit from a “hit of MDMA” (commonly known as “ecstasy”).

Critics aside, many are embracing Dawkins’ new theory. Apiscesists, long relegated to the fringe of philosophical thought, now see Richard Dawkins as validating their belief in a “fish-less” world.

One popular Apiscesist website has a banner reading, “Imagine there’s no whiting. Empty aquariums too. Imagine all the fishermen… living life in peace!” It also features a picture of God and a fish sitting together in a dumpster – illustrating their irrelevance to the modern world.

Notwithstanding the furor, most members of the religious community appear to be baffled by Dawkins’ statement but generally happy he’s not picking on them for a change.

So… do fish exist? Judging by the raging debate in the philosophical, sporting, and scientific community - there's really no telling. Factions have formed in recent years on all sides of the equation - some arguing for God and fish, some for fish, some for God but not fish, and still others for fish, God, bigfoot, Keynesian economics and another Clinton presidency.

If we do find the answer to the ultimate question "do fish exist?" it will probably be far in the future.

Until then, however, Dawkins is sticking to beef, chicken and pork.

On the web: http://fishnkids.dpi.nsw.gov.au/

Feds Raid Disney, Confiscate Fake Dollars

2007-11-24T09:41:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

ORLANDO, Fl (MNN) – In a rush to follow up their raid on the headquarters of the alternative Liberty Dollar currency, the FBI conducted a deadly early morning raid on an unlikely target – the Disney World theme park – arresting dozens and confiscating truckloads of contraband.

The reason? Disney dollars – a currency backed by the Disney corporation and circulated through their theme parks, redeemable in any goods available. Unlike the US dollar, which features the faces of dead presidents, Disney’s currency features the faces of their popular cartoon characters.

FBI agents confiscated millions in funny money, as well as T-shirts, candy, Indiana Jones hats, baby toys, plush dolls and pirate swords.

“The cache of plastic weapons was of particular concern to us as well,” stated Homeland Security Agent Reilly A. Sunovabich. “This makes us believe that this organization not only was issuing a counterfeit currency – it was also stockpiling items that could be used in acts of terrorism.”

The Government’s action this morning was swift and efficient. At least a dozen deaths were reported – one being that of the infant child of ringleader Mickey Mouse.

Sunovabich stated about the incident, “He (Mickey) was acting aggressively towards our agents, waving a white handkerchief in a menacing manner and using the infant as a human shield. Though we regret the loss of life, we stand 100 percent behind the action of the highly trained sharpshooter who fired on this enemy combatant.”

According to one witness, Minnie Mouse, alleged spouse of Mickey Mouse and mother of the dead infant pleaded with officials to “Let the gang go – all of them. Goofy, Cinderella, Donald – and my sweet Mickey! They did nothing wrong! You’re… murderers and tyrants!” Her cries were quickly ended with a tasering by officers concerned by her erratic behavior.

Others dead in the attack include seven abnormally short men who were living together in a house. Early reports suggest that they may have been illegal immigrants hired as Disney cleaning staff, though data is unclear. The men were killed when an incendiary grenade fell into the bedroom where they were apparently all sleeping in the same bed.

Another death took place later in the day. A counterfeiting accomplice, known as “Goofy,” died while being interrogated by officials after the raid. Sunovabich stated that the death was normal and that “it was more suitable for some to die to protect the peace than for agents to lose the entire nation.”

According to another report, Goofy’s death was related to a controversial interrogation technique known as “waterboarding.” Officals deny that allegation, instead relating the death to stress-induced heart failure.

Disney officials vow to fight the confiscation and continue to insist their dollars were fully backed by tangible goods, acting as a system of barter not intended to be ‘legal tender.’

Sunovabichs’ response? “Shove it. We ARE the law.”

On the web: http://blog.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2007/11/19/if_its_good_enough_for_mickey.html

Gay People Bring Smiles, Joy

2007-11-21T00:54:00.001-06:00

by Vidad Magoodn

SAN FRANCISCO (MNN) – When it comes to being gay, local fire chief Chad Dunkin is the gayest.

He admits that it’s “hard staying up late, fighting fires and stuff,” but he’s able to remain happy nonetheless. His attitude is one that’s held dear by the vibrant San Francisco gay community.

Chad admits, “When I first started being happy, it was a shock. My parents were very cynical and hurtful to me… but they came to respect my choices. Actually, when I joined the Optimists’ Club in town, it was definitely a blow to their smug, worldly-wise pessimism… but they do crack a smile when you ask them about it now. Even they are becoming a little gay!”

Despite the red state/blue state divide, the failing economy and the lower standard of living that’s setting in across America – the small percentage of self-described gay Americans bring cheer wherever they go.

“It’s nice to see people with joy in their lives,” states Sheila Warfield, a professor of sociology at Berkeley University. “There’s all this negativity going around… and yet gay individuals are a growing minority. They really make you think that maybe happy days are here again.”

Some gay rights activists are concerned that gay men and women may be in danger of losing their happy-go-lucky chipperness. Winnie Perkins, a gay writer and author of “Joy and Happiness Make America Gay” stated “A lot of sad people exist that would love to wipe the smiles off our faces. But we’re hoping that our message of bouncy, goofy, laugh-out-loud fun will reach even them some day. Life’s too short to not be gay!”

Meanwhile, Chad Dunkin isn’t much into politics… but he does wear a smile along with his firefighter’s cap. And that does a lot to lighten the mood as he fights to save lives and property. “I just love being gay – and I think my men love my gaiety too!”

Funny Money Purveyors Use Force to Crush Backed Currency

2007-11-20T12:05:00.000-06:00

by An Gryame Rican

EVANSVILLE, Ind. (MNN) The Feds have unwittingly revealed the US Dollar is backed only by tyranny and brute force – unlike its private up and coming competition, the “Liberty Dollar.”

Federal agents raided the headquarters and the storage facilities of the Liberty Dollar Foundation last week, stealing all their gold, silver, coin dies, records etc. The ‘Liberty Dollar’ is a currency backed by gold and silver, unlike the fiat money (i.e., un-backed, worthless scraps of paper) created in mass quantities by the Federal Reserve. It makes no claim to being ‘legal tender,’ and is Constitutionally protected as an instrument of barter, unlike Federal Reserve notes, which claim to be 'legal tender' but are in fact a gross and illegal violation of the Constitution.

Yesterday a high ranking government representative stated, “If people insist on using anything other than the un-backed paper we cram down their throats, we’ll screw ‘em. You can’t fight us. There is no private property in our minds. All belongs to the State. The Constitution doesn’t mean s--- to us. The reality is - we own you! Just get that into your heads, slaves.”

Liberty Dollar creators and owners vow to fight this attack on freedom, having already filed a class-action lawsuit, albeit in the corrupt American Judicial System.

Not surprisingly, most mainstream media outlets missed their chance to act as a free press and report on the underlying illegalities created by the Federal Reserve. Instead they continue their role as government shills.

On Friday Blogger Vark Populus stated “The media allegedly exists to protect the people by uncovering abuses. In this case, however, they can rightly be compared to a little bully that punches the victim while he’s being held down by a bigger bully – that being the State.”

By all reports, FBI agents missed the irony of their tyrannical raid on an organization promoting liberty.

St. Louis Residents Frustrated By Detroit’s New Crime Ranking

2007-11-18T21:06:00.000-06:00

by Rufus T. Washington and Ray Cystpig

ST. LOUIS (MNN)

In an unsurprising turn of events, Detroit beat out St. Louis to become the nation’s most dangerous city, according to a private research group’s report. Released Sunday, the analysis has St. Louis residents shaking their heads.

“I just don’t get it,” stated St. Louis City Manager, Rank Withers. “How many more murders will it take? Our citizens worked hard to get ranked at the top… and they chose Detroit? I mean, Detroit and crime are practically synonyms… but we really take pride in our progressive crime levels! This report is a shameful misuse of statistics.”

However, up North, Detroit residents celebrated the award with a fresh round of killings, rapes, thefts and swirlies.

“Hot damn… this sur’ is pimp, fo shizzle,” said resident Mohammed Washington as he celebrated the news by pointing a gun at a local KFC clerk and helping himself to a third round of finger-lickin’ chicken. “I’s totally psyched, dog… we sure be whackin’ out the big crime, here, ya’ll. Peace!”

The report, which is released every year by a non-profit organization, has fallen under increasing criticism, particularly because of the untidy truths it reveals about the link between race and crime.

The Rev. Al Sharpton condemned the report as he cornered reporters at a rally for a black death row inmate convicted of 10 counts of child molestation, murder and Heineken theft. “This is an affront to the African-American community. Why should white America be allowed to see the blatant link between being black and committing higher levels of crime? I call on these racists to expose the crime of affluence committed by those living in gated communities! For instance – what about all the MP3s they steal? Many of those songs were created by members of the African-American community!”

White representatives of Detroit were unavailable for comment. Preliminary reports suggest they were probably at home eating chips and watching Larry King, who is Jewish.

Meanwhile, St Louis resident Marsha Johanson stated, “We’re gonna pull together and make a crime wave like the world has never seen. Honestly, we need that ranking! How else will we scare away all the Mexicans that wanna move here?”

(Contributors to this report included KKK Grand Dragon Jim Bob White)

Some Chinese Toys OK, Reports Wal-Mart

2007-11-16T11:17:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

BENTONVILLE, AR (MNN) – Wal-Mart announced today “some Chinese toys are actually okay.”

Chinese toys and other products have come under increasing scrutiny after resulting in a rash of choking, poisoning, impaling, incendiary and projectile deaths. However, Wal-Mart still sees a bright side.

Today’s statement from Wal-Mart further read, “We’ve effectively used our platform as America’s hometown store to provide the Communists an effective way to disseminate their goods and undermine our economy. It’s good for the Chinese. And it’s good for our profits, and our many satisfied employees. Chinese toys are the only choices most parents can afford, and an occasional death isn’t the worst thing in the world. Really, most of the bigger toys that don’t contain small parts, sharp edges, human feces or arsenic are fine.”

Not all consumers are convinced, however. Jane Melson, mother of three, stated, "Of course we'll keep buying Chinese toys because they're cheap... but I do worry about one of our precious dogs eating one and getting sick."

In May of this year, officials in Beijing executed former head of China’s State Food and Drug Administration Zheng Xiaoyu after he admitted to charges of bribery that ultimately allowed shoddy products to end up on American shelves. After his execution, Chinese officials also torched a school bus filled with little girls and for an encore, skinned a thousand Christians alive.

Among market analysts, today’s report was mostly met with Yuans.

DEA Raids McCain Campaign Headquarters on False Report

2007-11-15T09:17:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

ARIZONA (MNN) In another poorly considered raid, the Drug Enforcement Agency allegedly raided the campaign headquarters of presidential hopeful John McCain. However, no drugs were found at the scene.

DEA spokesperson Mary Tyrant called today’s mistake “Unfortunate,” but went on to remark “If there had been drugs there, it would have been great. It’s always disappointing for the agents when they don’t find anything. Believe me, if it wasn’t for the bribe money, we would have planted at least a little meth or something.”

Tyrant also stated she “hoped agents thrashed and incarcerated a couple more terminal cancer victims this week.” When asked why, she answered, “Because these supposedly ‘medical’ pot users are abusing drugs and destroying the moral fabric of our nation. We don’t care what disease they have – the disease of drug use is worse!”

Today’s raid was named by an anonymous source as being “another mix-up, probably due to the fact that ‘McCain’ rhymes with ‘cocaine.’”

John McCain referenced the raid in a radio interview this afternoon, stating, “Hey, they’re just doing their jobs. Despite the fact that they made a little mistake today, I’d rather know they’re out there getting criminals. And really, I do love the tight, crisp black fabric of those SWAT uniforms… the click-clock of their boots, the sound of metal batons cracking into human skulls… it makes me proud to be an American!”

Democratic presidential heir apparent Hillary Clinton also chimed in on today’s raid, “This just goes to show you that Republicans don’t hold the moral high ground.” When reminded that agents found nothing, she stated, “See, if also proves they don’t know how to party.” Clinton then called for a bag of Cheetos, chicken wings and more sun chips.

By all objective accounts (puff, puff) the decades long ‘War on Drugs’ has been an abject failure.

On War Issue Democrats Lack Resolve, Balls

2007-11-14T16:37:00.000-06:00

by Vidad MaGoodn

WASHINGTON (MNN) – Democratic Leaders on Capitol Hill are working feverishly to push through another meaningless piece of legislation regarding the Iraq War.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said, “This bill is another reactionary attempt for us to look like we give a tin s--- about ending this war. It’s a shame to sacrifice our young men, women and transsexuals for the sake of politics – but sometimes we just have to. If we actually ended this war, we’d have nothing to pretend to fight over anymore.”

In a written statement, Republican leaders called today’s move by the Democrats “Cowardice” then commented, “actions that don’t support war support terror.”
Recent polls show that 70% of Americans think the Iraq War should end as opposed to the other 30% of Americans who believe in watching TBN, drinking the blood of infants and clubbing baby seals.

Former Democrat Mike Jameson stated, “Uh… how hard is it to just bring the troops home?”

Constitutional conservatives and libertarians oppose the Iraq War because of its unconstitutional nature, its waste of tax dollars and its human cost. Unfortunately for our troops abroad, Constitutional conservatives are no longer allowed in the Senate because of their idealism and their marked lack of support for idiocy.

Democratic leaders are also expected to attach a provision for shooting billions of dollars into space, provided it’s okay with the U.N.

Early reports of Thomas Jefferson ‘rolling in his grave’ have not been substantiated.

Neo-cons Form New "Aresian" Party

2007-11-14T14:12:00.000-06:00

by Sirrom Drachir

NEW YORK (MNN) - Fed up with being confused for classic small-government, non-interventionist conservatives, neoconservative leaders have decided to put all the cards on the table with the Aresian party, headlined with the slogan "Americans United for More War".

"Distinguishing your stand with that of the others is of prime importance in these confusing times", says neocon front-runner Rudy Giuliani. "Apparently Americans are still making the mistake of thinking that our rhetoric about small government and free enterprise means we actually support those things. No, no... a thousand times no! That is just a tactic we use to fight
terror, in our No.1 job of keeping Americans safe from themselves, and vulnerable to decisions made by unkown individuals around the globe. You have to understand: all other concerns take a back seat to this. Did I say nine-eleven? I meant to say nine-eleven. Nine eleven. Niiiiiiiiine... Eleven! Nine eleveneleveneveneven..."

UPDATE: although that was supposedly the end of the interview, from another source, we hear that the full interchange continued as such:

"Did I say nine-eleven? I meant to say nine-eleven. Nine eleven. Niiiiiiiiine... Eleven! Nine Elevenelevenevenevenehefalumptumtetum... oh,and eddiecuchacatchacammatosaneratosanerasammycammawackybrownfellintothewell,
georgieporgiedubyawubyapuddinandpiemypieceofthepiegiveemhelltuttifruttiohrudy..."

At this point, Mr. Giuliani's cellphone rang, and instantly his stern features rearranged into a beatific smile, as he answered "Hello dearest pooky-wooky... yes, I guess you were watching me on TV." (smiling more) "Yes... mookums, I was speaking in code again... it's important to conceal some of our communications to fight terrorism. Yes, I'll try keep that from the reporters more. Here, would you like to say 'hi' to them?"

Holding out phone as if it were a sword, Giuliani then made several thrusts at the cameras, before slowly backing into his limousine.

The Giuliani campaign refuses to comment on this, beyond saying "We ask the American public to respect the privacy of Mr. Giuliani's marriage, and to turn off their TVs whenever his cellphone rings."

Tired Old Guy Endorsed by National Right-to-Life

2007-11-13T08:55:00.000-06:00

WASHINGTON (MNN) – In a press conference this morning, the largest pro-life lobby in America endorsed a tired old guy for president.

National Right-to-Life spokesperson Jim Smithson enthusiastically threw his support behind a tired old guy. “We believe that no one in the crowded presidential field will stand up for the rights of the unborn like a top-tier tired old guy. Realistically speaking, a tired old guy probably won’t allow America to kill too many more babies than we’re killing now.”

Pro-lifers, who have been increasingly marginalized by the Republican establishment, find themselves in an awkward position this election cycle. In recent years they’ve increasingly adopted a utilitarian stance, consistently supporting what they perceive as the “lesser of two evils.” This has led to a string of national leaders that pay lip service to the movement without doing anything to overturn the controversial and decades old Roe v. Wade decision. Now pro-lifers find themselves with only evil frontrunners to choose from – and without the guts to take a real stand for an outsider candidate such as Ron Paul.

Earlier this week, Pat Robertson announced his support for Satan, citing Satan’s leadership ability as a prime reason for supporting the campaign. Leadership notwithstanding, Satan is not only pro-abortion, he’s completely pro-death for all ages – a view that puts him at odds with the mainstream pro-life movement, which generally favors only death for murderers and Muslims.

After today’s announcement, the tired old guy took a nap. However, the tired old guy’s campaign manager Buck Flowers was cornered by reporters while buying Cuban cigars from a man in a trench coat. Flowers stated, “Hey, we’re thrilled that someone noticed us! Later today we’ll be playing shuffleboard and I’ll let you know what the boss thinks.”

As usual, no unborn children were able to speak for themselves.

Pope Converts to Calvinism, Apologizes to Huguenots

2007-11-12T18:45:00.000-06:00

VATICAN CITY (MNN) – 443 years after his death, Protestant reformer John Calvin has another convert.

During Mass this morning, Pope Benedict XVI upset Catholics worldwide with a startling announcement. In somber tones he stated, “I’ve realized that Calvin was right. I finally was able to take some time out of my busy schedule and read the Bible… and then it hit me. Almost all the Reformation doctrines the Mother Church has fought against for so long are actually biblical.”

The Roman Catholic Church has long stood against what Reformed theologians call “the doctrines of grace.”

The Pope also issued a Papal bull apologizing to the descendents of French Huguenots killed in the St. Bartholomew’s Day massacre. It was simply signed “Joe.”

Catholic layman Vince Tortellini admitted to being stunned by the announcement. “I heard it on the radio in my car this morning. I knew we shouldn’t have nominated no Kraut to be Pope!”

Despite Pope Benedict XVI’s apparent change of heart, Reformed theologian R. C. Sproul still says the Pope is wrong. “When he says that he realized Calvinism is correct, it just shows he doesn’t understand Calvinism. Only God can make someone change. The Pope still thinks his own human actions matter, showing that he hasn’t really been pulled irresistibly into God’s grace.”

High ranking Catholic officials told the faithful in a press release “Don’t panic! We of the Holy Roman Church are sure our leader will soon be in better health.” The written statement further attributed the Pope’s announcement to food poisoning and ended with at least 100 “Ave Marias” and a sprinkling of “Our Fathers.”

Not surprisingly, Dispensationalist gadfly Dave Hunt also chimed in on the furor surrounding the announcement. “See, this just shows that the Catholic Church is the beast! Romanism, Calvinism and modern Psychology are all basically the same!” He then yelled “Look at me!” put on a wig, tooted a tiny horn and rode a unicycle under a ladder.

According to witnesses, after his announcement, Pope Benedict XVI offered to let children touring the Vatican play with his funny hat.

Neo-cons Celebrate Veteran’s Day by Proposing New War

2007-11-12T11:23:00.000-06:00

WASHINGTON (MNN) – A prominent unnamed neoconservative group, linked with the Trilateral Commission, the Council on Foreign Relations and Tinky Winky, proposed a new war today in honor of America’s Veterans.

Vice President Cheney, a member of the shadowy group, applauded the action. “Everyone loves veterans, so we figured – heck, let’s make more!”

Hallmark representatives also welcomed the move. Greeting card sales, particularly of the “I’m Sorry You Lost a Limb” and the “Dear John” variety have thrived under the Bush Administration’s perpetual war program.

The White House announced this afternoon that President Bush also embraced the plan. “What my opponents don’t realize is that peace promotes terror. Exporting democracy to the world while restricting freedom at home is good for America, and good for the world. I look forward to hearing where these noble patriots think we should bomb next.”

The neoconservative advocates of the new war also state “it will be completely financed with cotton candy made by elves and shouldn’t impact the Federal budget.”

Neoconservatives differ from classic conservatives primarily by their unflinching love of war, unlimited executive power and drinking blood.

Evangelicals Claim ‘More Bloodshed’ Most Important Issue this Election Cycle

2007-11-12T09:25:00.000-06:00

WASHINGTON (MNN) - In contrast with previous elections, evangelical voters now cite bloodshed as their issue of highest importance. Other issues such as abortion, moral leadership and taxes now take a back seat to their fervent support for endless war.

‘Values voter’ Jeannette Folget is thrilled by presidential hopeful Mike Huckster’s support for continuing the Iraq War. “We have a chance to destroy lots of Islamofascists and their women and children. The only thing that would make me happier was if we expanded this war into Iran and Pakistan! Oh yeah, and nuked Mecca on one of their holidays.”

According to a recent poll, evangelicals and Fox News fans now appear to be the only American demographic that isn’t tired of the rising death toll, loss of American troops and abuse of tax dollars that are the hallmarks of the Iraq War.

However, a small minority of evangelicals stand against more bloodshed, citing dusty old Christian traditions such as St. Augustine’s concept of a Just War and the teachings of Jesus Christ.

When questioned on her support for rampant bloodshed and its apparent lack of support in historic Christian teaching, Folget stated “St. Augustine? You mean the old city in Florida? That was founded by Spanish people, I think. I’m against those too.”

Atlanta business owner and evangelical Robert White agrees with Folget. “We need to go in there and destroy them and their idols. Take ‘em out, like they did in the Old Testament. They need democracy over there, too, even if we have to kill them all to make it happen.”

In another sign there is growing support for bloodshed among evangelicals, Pat Robertson, founder of “Believers United Against Doctrine” endorsed Satan for president last week. “Satan is the only one who has the courage to invade Iran and fight terror on its own soil,” he stated Monday. “I’m sick and tired of our troops sitting around and not killing anyone.”

A spokesman for complete long-shot, bottom-tier, reactionary candidate Ron Paul, who has no chance of winning, ever, so don’t vote for him, stated “I’m a Christian, and I’m surprised by these results. Aren’t believers supposed to be for helping the poor and promoting peace and freedom at home? Didn’t godly men found this nation on a policy of non-interventionism and free trade?”

Early poll results show Satan and Huckster tied among evangelicals.

Shirley MacLaine Claims Ghost of D. James Kennedy Endorses Nader

2007-11-12T07:12:00.000-06:00

Shirley MacLaine Claims Ghost of D. James Kennedy Endorses Nader

By Vidad MaGoodn

SANTA FE (MNN) – This tempestuous political season, it seems a new voice may be chipping in – from beyond the grave. Shirley MacLaine, award-winning actress and author of “Why Aliens Pretty much won’t Talk to Anyone but Me” announced yesterday that she successfully conjured up the ghost of the late Dr. D James Kennedy. Kennedy, an influential televangelist, minister and founding pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church, passed away in September of this year.

“I was trying to catch up with a familiar spirit friend to see if he was available for lunch when I unexpectedly reached Dr. Kennedy in the otherworld. Kennedy and I had never seen eye-to-eye, and he seemed irritated to have been called away from some sort of ballroom event in heaven,” MacLaine stated. “Since I’d reached someone and I was lonely, we got talking about politics. Turns out, he’s rooting for Nader, just like me!”

Though unsuccessful in his past 37 bids for president, consumer rights activist Ralph Nader seemed surprised and pleased by the news. “I’ve been stating the same message for so long, it seems that even the dead have taken note!” he stated off-hand as he attended a protest outside of Nike headquarters. “Now if I could just get a few live people to vote.”

MacLaine made her extraordinary claim as she and presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich stood naked on a hilltop. Kucinich was quoted as saying they were “waiting for Archon #567 to return from his vacation on Venus.”

Catholic paranormal researcher and gay rights activist William “Punkin” Madison dismissed the claim. “It’s so totally unlikely, especially considering the fact that Protestants, particularly conservative ones, usually get stuck in Purgatory thanks to their silly naughty lives and their bad hair. It’s also unlikely that D. James Kennedy would speak to Shirley when he wouldn’t return my calls even before he died. I tried to get on his show like a million times. And there’s also no way he and I would both be supporting Nader.”

Despite criticism, MacLaine sticks by her account. She further went on to say that Kennedy now likes her films, that animals have golden wings in heaven, and that St. Peter endorses recreational marijuana use.

Further attempts by reporters to reach Kennedy were unsuccessful.

Robertson Endorses Satan

2007-11-12T07:10:00.000-06:00

Pat Robertson Endorses the Prince of Darkness

by Vidad MaGoodn

HELL (MNN) - Televangelist and non meth-user Pat Robertson, founder of Christians United to Bomb the Hell Out of Anyone Who Isn't a Raving Zionist, endorsed Satan for president on Wednesday.

"It is my pleasure to announce my support for a proven leader, a dark angel who isn't afraid of eternal damnation and is happy to bring Americans a new vision of their nation" Robertson said as sulphurous fumes wafted around his feet at a news conference with Satan in Hell.

Satan backs drinking the blood of unborn children, anal intercourse between men, and the war in Iraq - all positions that differ from the ideals of freedom and morality on which America was founded. Satan has also been trying to gain the recognition of evangelicals by appealing to their inherent idocy when it comes to foreign policy and by pandering to their lust for power.

At the press conference, Satan stated, "Let me assure you - Robertson and I agree on more than you'd think. We both love power and we both love endless war. I initiated and inspired many of the policies attributed to the current administration and I hope to continue taking the nation in its current direction."

Robertson went on to state, "Though we haven't always seen eye to eye, I've always admired Satan's unflinching stand for what he believes in. Under his inspiration, Americans have become rabid Fox News fans."

Asked about the endorsement, presidential hopeful Mike Huckster said, "Well, I'm still going to try and do this thing. Though if I win the primaries, I'd certainly consider a Huckster/Lucifer ticket!"

After Robertson's endorsement, the main issue in the forefront of many evangelicals' minds seemed to be whether or not Satan would truly continue the empire-building pro-welfare policies of President Bush.

At a pro-Satan rally in Washington later that day, one self-proclaimed evangelical stated "Hey - I'll certainly vote for anyone that runs against Hillary!"

Robertson said that he and Satan became closely acquainted during his many years of televangelism. "First people ignored him, then they made fun of him, then they fight him - then in '08, he's gonna win."

Ron Paul supporter Doogi Manddav noted "Hey, if Paul doesn't win the primaries, all the other candidates are pretty much with Satan anyways."